*

When Dominic was fifteen, his dad had walked in on him and Jimmy Robertson giving each other a hand job in his bedroom. Afterwards, his father, though remarkably understanding, had asked him if he had tried ‘liking girls that way’. And yes he had. And did. Well, not right now of course, but still - the point was Dominic wouldn’t like to get accused of any kind of gender discrimination.

According to Elijah though, they were having a ‘Boys Night’ tonight. It wasn’t clear if this just meant Liv and Miranda definitely weren’t coming, or if they were only allowed to chat up men tonight. Not that either would make a huge difference.

They’d finished filming for the day early, so had, of course, come out early. Dominic could see this having been a very bad idea come half past four and Feet, but he’d let make-up have nightmares about that for now.

His attention was snapped back to their relatively cosy booth in the busy club when Orlando elbowed him in the ear.

"I think I need my head shaved again," Orlando complained, running a hand across his stubbly scalp.

Dominic reached over, grabbed Orlando by the frills of his shirt, and pulled him down until he was close enough to lick a broad stripe across his head.

Sean shook his head in disbelief, as Orlando drew back hastily and wiped his head gingerly with his sleeve. "Oh, man."

Dominic grinned. "I’d say you could leave it a few days yet."

"Jesus, that is so disgusting, Dom." Elijah screwed up his face in distaste. "You don’t know where that’s been."

"Between Viggo’s thighs?" Dominic suggested with a laugh.

"Fuck you," Orlando replied cheerfully.

Dominic pondered this for a moment. "Nah, we’d break too many hearts." He sat back in his seat, taking a sip of his beer as Billy leaned in to him.

"What is with you and bloody licking things?"

"I like my tongue. I have a wonderful tongue." He wiggled it to demonstrate this fact.

Billy used his index finger to push Dominic’s wonder-tongue back into his mouth. "If this is the beginning of one of your dodgy chat-up lines, I don’t want to hear it." He rolled his eyes as Dominic sucked hard on the invading digit, his cheeks hollowing, before Billy managed to make his escape with a ‘pop’.

"Aw, don’t be jealous," Dominic crooned as he pinched Billy’s cheek. "You know my tongue’s coming home with you at night anyway."

"Yes, thank you for that disturbing image, Dom."

*

Orlando sprawled over half the booth as he debated whether or not to join Elijah (who was frantically waving at him to come over, as he leaped around like a lunatic to the crap dance music). Maybe later, he decided as he slumped lower – he’d been running around over rocks all day in those fucking thin-soled elf boots. And unlike the pampered hobbits, he didn’t get a daily foot rub.

Not while on set and only if he was suitably persuasive at least.

Sean clambered over Orlando’s legs with a glare as he returned from making his phone call home. "I thought Viggo was coming out tonight."

Orlando turned his attention away from the sea of writhing bodies on the dance floor. "He had some arty, communing with nature crap to do," Orlando said, waving a hand around vaguely. "But he said he’d try to come by later."

Dominic looked up from his position against Billy’s shoulder, where he appeared to have been examining the buttons on his shirt. "You know," he mused, "one day I want to be able to list my hobbies as that. Imagine how great it must look on his CV."

Orlando scowled half-heartedly at him.

Dominic blinked and looked up at Billy, wide-eyed. "Wow, can you see how threatened I’m not by that?"

"That’s not what you were saying earlier," Orlando said with a smirk.

Dominic shoved himself upright and thrust an accusing finger at Orlando. "You were chasing me with your fucking bow, you freak! Pete probably saved my life by calling on you to go ponce around on set some more!"

Orlando’s response was to flick a peanut that hit Dominic right between his eyes.

*

Dominic turned to Billy suddenly, almost bouncing in his seat with excitement. "I’ve got it! The army."

"No one’s going to believe we could be in the army."

"Fine." He sat back, dejected, and idly played with Billy’s fingers as he considered further options. "A prison setting then."

"Dom, I told you," Billy said with a long suffering sigh, "we’re trying to get away from dodgy porn scenarios. We’re already in the gayest movie of all time anyway, though I doubt Peter – or Tolkien - intended it that way."

"Well it’s not like you’ve come up with any better suggestions. At this rate our movie’s going to be about… I don’t know..." Insert attempt at frustrated arm gestures - somewhat hampered by the fact he still had a hold of Billy’s hand. "Two hapless young Brits accidentally finding themselves involved with the mafia after a hilarious case of mistaken identity while they were on holiday in Hawaii has resulted in them running a scuba diving school which is a front for the local crime lord." And breathe.

Billy raised an eyebrow at him. "And the award for longest run-on sentence goes to…"

"Or something," Dominic added lamely.

"Since I’m not sure they have Hawaiian mafia, you should know I’m possibly rethinking the porn idea now."

Dominic lifted Billy’s hand and pressed a soft kiss to his palm, unable to stop himself from flicking his tongue out to taste the hint of salt and indefinable Billy quality on the creased skin while he was there. "Worst happens, we could always sell home movies on ebay."

"Don’t know if we’d really have the necessary appeal to make a killing with that."

Dominic shrugged. "I’d buy it."

"Idiot."

Billy silenced any protestations Dominic might have had about insulting his intellect by yanking him the few necessary inches closer and capturing his lips in a deep kiss.

Dominic hummed contentedly as he pulled away. "But guess I wouldn’t have to when I can get it for free."

Always had to have the last bloody word.

*

"Gay."

Elijah looked over at Orlando. "Huh?"

Orlando, who was sitting watching the entrance to the club, nodded in the direction of a guy standing in the doorway. "Him."

Elijah gave him the once over. "No way. He’s straight."

"Bet you the next drink. See which catches his attention – us, or the blonde with the breasts at the bar."

The guy scanned the crowd as he crossed the busy room, his gaze sliding over the woman – but definitely stopping for a moment on the two of them.

"Told you," Orlando said smugly, taking a drink.

"Fine then." Elijah glanced back over to the guy, now engaged in conversation with someone at the bar. "Top or bottom?"

Orlando tipped his head thoughtfully. "Can depend on who you’re with though."

They turned considering looks on the man, just as he tipped his head back and laughed – no – giggled.

Orlando and Elijah looked at each other and said simultaneously, "Bottom".

And giggled.

*

Dominic deposited the drinks onto the table as he slid back onto the bench beside Billy. "What are they doing?" he asked as laughter pealed again from the two across the table.

"I can’t figure it out – there seems to be some kind of commentary about passers-by and then one or both of them takes a drink, for no discernible reason."

"Drinking games are stupid – a waste of good drinking time."

*

The great thing about a nightclub was that it was so loud you could talk about the people sitting opposite you and they probably wouldn’t notice. And that likelihood rose to ‘definitely’ when those you were talking about were too drunk to even recognise their own names if they heard them.

"What the hell is that?" Billy asked Dominic, both gazing in horror at what Orlando had just appeared at the table with.

Orlando and Elijah, having realized the terrible energy waste involved in repeated trips to the bar, had procured a bottle to go with their vast array of shot glasses and, oh, now Elijah was enthusiastically waving it around.

"It’s all thick – it’s like cough medicine." Billy swallowed hard, in sympathy for their digestive systems. "But evil and green."

"Hello, yummy toxic waste," Dominic agreed. "Wait, here comes Sean to the rescue."

They watched as he said something to the other two, complete with a finger waving authoritatively - which Orlando and Elijah were diligently following, their heads bobbing from side-to-side in a way you would have thought would have induced motion sickness. But was fun to watch.

Sean pried the bottle out of Elijah’s grip and set it behind him on the other side of the cluttered table.

Dominic shook his head. "I really don’t see that working."

"And how can he possibly resist those two pretty, pouting faces?"

They watched in amusement as, right on cue, two sets of expressive eyes turned ‘pleading’ on full force and aimed it at Sean. All he did was shake his head once, deliver one last unheard piece of advice/admonishment and leave, taking the bottle with him.

"Like that apparently," Dominic said admiringly.

"I want to be mature and responsible like that when I grow up."

Dominic looked at him. "It’s never going to happen, Billy. Sorry."

*

"Bill?"

Billy turned his head languidly to face Dominic. "Hmmm?"

"Do you think Frodo and Sam were sleeping together?"

"Yes." Billy paused. "No. Maybe?"

Dominic snorted. "Well as long as you’re decisive about it."

*

Billy handed him the crisps and said, "Yes."

Dominic looked blankly from Billy to the packet of cheese and onion and back again. "What?"

"Yes, Sam and Frodo were sleeping together."

"Please tell me you haven’t been thinking about that all this time."

"Err… no…" For being an actor, Billy could lie remarkably badly. "Of course, I’m ignoring the Sam getting married and having a bakers dozen kids part."

"He’d already lost Frodo by that point though."

"Yeah. Depressing." They both looked down glumly. "But at least they weren’t related like us." Billy stopped again and had to think far too long about what was wrong with that sentence. "I mean, Merry and Pippin."

"All the hobbits were inbred." Dominic said dismissively. "And it’s highly unlikely Merry and Pippin were going to have scary mutant children."

Billy nearly choked on his drink. "You think that’s only ‘highly unlikely’?"

*

New round of drinks equals new topic of conversation.

"Have you noticed," Sean said, "that most of the people that come over to them," a finger pointed at the duo opposite, who were whispering and, rather worryingly, stealing pointed glances their way, "end up wanting to buy you two a drink."

Billy shrugged modestly. "It’s a gift."

"You don’t have a gift," Dominic scoffed. "It’s just your Scottishness. You have the advantage of having an accent that makes their ovaries ache."

"Right," Sean said sarcastically, "that guy who gave him his number earlier was driven by his ovaries."

At Dominic’s hurt look, Billy hastily pointed out the offending, and now soggy, piece of paper discarded on the table.

"You don’t have to take things so literally," Dominic huffed.

"Like that would work with the crap you come out with anyway," Billy said sweetly.

"Fudge the badger!" Dominic yelled, causing everyone nearby to turn and look.

Billy slid lower in his seat and turned to Sean.

"Don’t look at me," he said, throwing his hands up. "You’re the one crazy enough to be sleeping with him."

Dominic grinned happily and leaned over Billy to whisper – loudly – to Sean, "My gift - it’s the power of the tongue, you know."

Billy dropped his head back against the seat, covering his face with his hands. "Oh, God."

"Especially now, when he knows…"

Sean covered Dominic’s mouth with one hand, though he quickly withdrew it before Dominic got any ideas about giving him a demonstration. "Stop! I don’t want to know. It’s bad enough I have to hear the details of Elijah’s sex life."

Billy shook his head at Sean in pity. "My brain short circuits at just the thought of the kid from Flipper giving someone a blowjob."

*

"I can’t decide," Elijah declared finally with a sigh. "They could be either."

"We could ask them."

"I’m not drunk enough…" Orlando looked at him doubtfully. "Okay *they’re* not drunk enough for me to ask them."

"Billy squeals," Orlando pointed out. Again.

Elijah spread his hands as if to say that proved nothing. "Dom tongue."

"I say they’re both, both," Orlando said decisively, before realising he thought that was hilarious and collapsing onto Elijah’s shoulder, breathless with laughter.

"I’ll drink to that." His empty glass clattered and wobbled as he set it back down on the table. Elijah slid out from his position as Orlando’s’ cushion, sniggering as his relatively sudden movement caused Orlando to topple over. He offered a hand up and an unapologetic grin. "Come on, I like this song."

*

Billy manfully suppressed a groan as Dominic collapsed on top of him. "I thought," - push surprisingly heavy man away slightly and regain ability to breathe – "you were dancing."

"Tired," Dominic muttered, resting his head against Billy’s chest. "And Elijah buggered off. I was all lonesome."

"I don’t think I’ve ever heard that word used outside bad country music," Billy said, poking Dominic in the side.

Dominic swatted the offending finger away. "Fuck off," he said, tucking his head more firmly under Billy’s chin. "And pretend I made a sarcastic comment about your shit taste in music."

"You must be knackered if you can’t even be bothered insulting me."

As if to prove him right, Dominic yawned widely. He scrubbed a hand across his face, rubbing his bleary eyes. "We probably should be going soon."

"Mmm," Billy said agreeably, as he slipped an arm around Dominic’s waist.

Dominic returned the favour, sliding his hands around Billy’s back and under his shirt, gleefully heating his cold hands in the warmth he found there. "Have to be hobbited in a few hours."

"Uh huh."

Dominic gently butted Billy’s chin with the top of his head. "You just can’t be arsed moving can you?"

"I’m comfy," Billy said, giving Dominic another jab in the ribs and then having to tighten his arms around him at the squirming that resulted. "Other than the fact you’re cutting off the blood supply to my legs obviously."

"Lazy is what you are," Dominic mumbled, rubbing his nose along Billy’s collarbone. "You’ve hardly moved from this spot all night."

"Practising hobbit behaviour – drinking and eating nutritious bar snacks."

"Don’t think they had Pringles in the Shire." Dominic stifled another yawn. "Do you think it’s odd the way we’re all becoming like our characters?"

Billy shrugged minutely. "Inevitability and good casting, I guess. After all, wasn’t Merry supposed to be the gayest of all hobbits?" Dominic’s warm breath condensed on Billy’s skin as he chuckled quietly. "Though I doubt anyone ever imagined a hyperactive, adrenaline-junkie elf cavorting around Middle Earth."

Dominic laughed again and wriggled further into Billy’s embrace.

"Dom…" Billy said warningly at the definite hip rotation occurring.

"What?" Innocent blinking up at Billy. "I’m just trying to get comfy too."

*

Dominic grinned widely from his position splayed across Billy’s lap as the new arrival pulled a chair up to the table. "Hey, Viggo, you made it!"

Billy waved a hand in the general direction of the entire room. "Orlando’s…"

A slim figure launched itself at Viggo, almost knocking him out of the chair. Orlando peppered Viggo’s jaw with kisses, his long limbs seemingly impossibly curled around the other man.

"Right here," Billy finished.

Dominic slipped, rather unwillingly, back into his seat at a prod from Billy, leaving only a hand resting on his thigh. "Orlando Bloom, everyone – affectionate when sober, human limpet when drunk."

*

Their table had suddenly become a lot more crowded with the arrival of Karl and Craig soon after Viggo.

"The hobbits can squash up more," Karl said.

Dominic threw him a scathing look. "You do realize we’re only small in the film?"

Craig shook his head sadly. "Keep telling yourself that, little man,"

Dominic looked to Billy, expecting him to come to his defence – Billy who just looked down and snickered into his beer.

"Love you too, you bastard."

*

Orlando slipped his hands under the worn material of Viggo’s shirt, making circles with the pads of his thumbs on the inviting stomach he found there, and all the while never ceasing his nuzzling of Viggo’s upper chest and neck.

Viggo laughed and pulled away as Orlando blew on the sensitive spot below his ear. He grabbed Orlando’s chin so he could meet his eyes. "What’s with the cat routine?"

Viggo was rewarded with a devilish grin. "Want you to make me purr," Orlando murmured huskily.

"You’re drunk."

"Yes I am. Very. Terribly, horribly drunk. Think you better take me home and look after me."

*

Dominic couldn’t quite work out how it was apparently his round again. And he really hoped he had just misheard that ‘Pussy Elf’ thing when Viggo and the attached Orlando passed him on their way out.

"What are you talking about?" he asked as he rejoined the remainder of their group.

"Poker night," Karl answered.

"But it’s men only, little one, " Craig added.

"Big feet, guys. Big feet," Dominic said as he climbed awkwardly back into his place. "And you know you’re awful bitchy for a couple of supposedly straight guys, right?"

Craig pursed his lips and blew Dominic a kiss – which Billy reached out and caught in mock-outrage. "It’s the company we keep."

Dominic laughed. "And they say being a flaming queen isn’t catching."

*

Billy had an arm around Elijah on one side to keep him standing up (Elijah, not Billy) and Dominic, with his legendary tongue in his ear (Billy’s, not Dominic’s) on the other.

"Nobody loves me," Elijah proclaimed with a wail and increased stagger.

"Everyone loves you," Billy soothed.

Elijah shook his head forcibly, which almost succeeded in tumbling them all to the ground. "Not in a good, ‘he’s so innocent looking, lets corrupt him now’, kind of way."

With no help whatsoever from Dominic, Billy managed to get Elijah more or less vertical and moving forward again. "Maybe tomorrow night, Lij."

*